WHEN YOUR CHILD TELLS YOU THEY WERE RAPED
The professor walked into the classroom and set his books on the desk. As he made his way to the podium he said, “Ok, we are going to begin class today by everyone taking turns, standing up in front of the class and sharing their most humiliating, uncomfortable sexual experience. Who would like to go first?”
Discomfort quickly filled the room. Some people were nervously looking around to see who would volunteer while others stared at their desk avoiding eye contact with everyone.
“What? No one wants to go?” , the professor stated with feigned surprise.
More uncomfortable silence.
“Right. Well class, what you are feeling now is just an ounce of what victims of sexual abuse experience the first time they tell someone that they have been raped or molested. I want you to keep that in mind as we continue with today’s lesson.”
I will never forget that story or the compassion I felt for victims of sexual abuse in that moment. Suddenly the question, “Why don’t they just tell someone when it happens?” became so silly that I couldn’t take it seriously anymore.
Years later, during the pandemic, that compassion turned into anger. On top of an already chaotic and stressful time, I found myself with a caseload heavy with victims of sexual abuse. Everyday I was listening to at least one client tell me about their experience and it wasn’t long before I started taking on the anger and pain that they were too tired of carrying themselves. Suddenly, I started seeing men in a different light and feeling a disdain that I had never experienced before. I started sharing my clients’ nightmares and pushing away my own husband. I knew what was happening. Second hand traumatization. I addressed it quickly with my supervisor and in one of our sessions I stated that I was also angry at the mothers of my clients. I explained that every single client had told me that after mustering up every bit of courage and strength, the first person they were able to tell was their mother. All but one of those mothers either stayed silent or didn’t believe them.
Having a daughter myself, I couldn’t wrap my mind around how a parent could just go on not acknowledging their child’s traumatic experience. I’ll admit that for a few weeks, I had strong judgements for these women.
And then, as to put me in my place, I had a flashback of sitting around a table at a restaurant with three childhood friends. I was 19 or 20 years old and was not prepared for when one of them explained that she had asked us all to get together to tell us that she had been raped. I remember feeling completely blindsided and shocked. I had no idea what to do. I have tried to recall my reaction and words many times in hopes that it was at least a little validating and comforting, but I can’t seem to remember my response. Suddenly, I felt ashamed of my judgment and realized that of all the conversations parents prepare for: puberty, safe sex, drugs and alcohol, driving safely, etc. the one we don’t prepare for is possibly the most important one.
I hope you never have to have this conversation with your child. I hope that life treats them well and that things go smoothly for them. But hopes and wishes don’t make for effective plans and can often lead to disappointments. I’ve been fortunate to have never experienced any type of abuse but I have learned so much from clients that I want to pass on to others. If anything at all, my plan is for you to start thinking about what you would do if you found yourself in this situation. The following tips come from what I’ve heard so many women (and a few men) say they wish they would have gotten in response to their vulnerability.
“Thank you for telling me, I believe you.”
1) Don’t stay silent for too long.
“She just didn’t say anything. The silence was harder than telling her in the first place.” My heart clinched as I heard a young woman describe her experience in telling her mom about a recent rape. The rest of the ride in the car was silent and the topic was never brought up again. It can be incredibly surprising and shocking to hear someone disclose information about a rape or assault and the natural response can be to freeze. And as said before, most people don’t know how to respond or react. But after some time, once you’ve thawed out, you need to acknowledge what was said to you. Ignoring your child’s trauma, and bravery in talking about it, only work to further traumatize them and can prevent them from seeking help in other places.
2) If you don’t know what to say- say that
Let’s be honest. There is not a whole lot you can say to make the pain of what happened go away. No words can make it be ok or wash away the discomfort that your child is feeling. If you don’t know what to say to them, start with telling them that. It can help in breaking that deafening silence and letting them know that you heard them. It lets them know that you want to support them but just don’t know how as opposed to not wanting to support them. And if nothing comes to mind, if they don’t give you a hint as to what they need to hear (they may not know in that moment themselves) then read some articles, talk to someone, or listen to podcasts to get ideas as to how to show up for them.
3) Ask if there is anything they need from you
The process that comes with going to the authorities to report a rape is brutal. You have to go through an intense evaluation and talk about the event in detail. Most of my clients either didn’t go to the police or were hesitant as it required more emotional and physical strength that they had in that moment. Some rationalized that if their mom didn’t believe them, why would a complete stranger? This is when you can offer to go with them to report the rape or offer to drive them to the hospital. Other times, they may just need someone that knows what happened and will listen to them without judgement or blame. Most importantly, they may just need you to believe them.
4) Offer them a hug
After sexual abuse, physical touch can be hard. Before moving in to physically comfort them, make sure to ask first if they are ok with a hug. A hug, when consented to, can be a different way of saying all of those things you just don’t know how to say in that moment.
“I’m so sorry this happened to you.”
5) Give them time
“They’ve all moved on and they want me to be over it. They don’t understand why I still feel this way. They get mad that I’m still depressed.”
Hopefully you’ve made it through the initial conversation. You’ve told your child that you believe them and that you will help them with whatever comes next. Months, maybe even years later, they might still be struggling and you might be ready for this chapter to end. But I encourage you to be patient. Depending on the context, it might be incredibly hard for your child to “turn the page”. Is your child going to school with her abuser? Was there justice done? Did your child lose friends or relationships due to taking action and speaking up against his or her abuser? There can be a lot of factors that play into the continued distress of a rape victim.
It’s funny how we don’t stop celebrating or remembering the positive events in our lives. No one has ever said, “What? Another birthday party?! We get it, you had a baby, get over it!” However, we do put an end date to remembering or being effected by unpleasant events. Sometimes we want to move on as it can be uncomfortable to sit with another person’s uncomfortable emotions. If you find yourself here, know that your experience is normal and work towards allowing your child to heal at their own pace. You wouldn’t rush them to start walking without crutches after breaking their leg, so try to not rush them in this situation either.
6) Staying neutral comes with consequences
In some cases, it’s easy to quickly feel anger for your child and jump into action advocating for them and giving them the support they need. It’s automatic to side with your child when the perpetrator is a stranger. However, according to recent studies, about 30-40% of sexual abuse happens at the hands of relatives and 50% of abuse is caused by someone outside of the family that victim knows well. This can make it difficult as you might know and have a close relationship with the person that abused your child. There are lots of emotions that can come up such as disbelief, shame, and embarrassment. Those emotions tend to lead people to wanting to hide the information and act as if it didn’t happen. It can even propel you towards trying to justify or find a reason to not confront the abuser. You might also be afraid of what will happen to the family if you confront the abuser. You might want to stay neutral and not pick a side. But in choosing to not take a side, you are inadvertently taking the side of the perpetrator and deserting the victim of the abuse. People have their reasons for doing this and if this is the option you chose, you have to radically accept the harm further done to your child and radically accept the consequences that comes from it. You may be able to continue attending family events with the perpetrator and compartmentalizing the abuse, but you can’t ask the victim to do the same.
7) Suggest they seek professional help and possibly go see someone yourself.
There are some needs your child has that just go beyond good parenting. No one would judge you for taking your kid to the dentist to get her wisdom teeth taken out instead of doing it yourself. The same goes with being able to meet their emotional needs. Trauma therapy requires training and skills most parents don’t have themselves. Having your child go to a therapist can help with healing and overcoming their trauma. You may even look into seeking professional help yourself if you find that the situation is too big to handle by yourself. Remember, even I, a trained trauma therapist, sought help when I noticed the need.
“I don’t know how to help. How about we talk to someone together?”
*Throughout the article, I use the word “child” instead of son or daughter. Please note that although statistics are higher for women, men and nonbinary people are also victims of sexual abuse. Furthermore, I am writing these tips thinking primarily of teens and adults as this is the population I treat. For tips and help on how to support a child that has disclosed or that you suspect has experienced sexual abuse call the Childhelp National Abuse Hotline: 1-800-4-A-CHILD. For the National Sexual Assault Hotline call 1-800-656-HOPE.
About the Author
Diana Hughes is trained in Cognitive Processing Therapy, or CPT. CPT is an evidence-based treatment for PTSD and trauma. She has experience working with victims of sexual and physical abuse and provides therapy in both English and Spanish.
