Parenting Adolescents with Mental Health in Mind
It’s no secret that mental health problems are on the rise for adolescents. With factors such as social media, increased expectations and standards from schools, society and families, and a grim outlook on the future, teens are struggling now more than ever managing their mental health.
According to the National Institute for Mental Health, anxiety disorders, including generalized anxiety, social anxiety, phobias, OCD and PTSD, affect 32% of 13–18-year-olds while depression affects 13% of 12–17-year-olds. It isn’t uncommon for these disorders to co-occur meaning an individual can experience both anxiety and depression at the same time. Other common disorders in this age group are ADHD and eating disorders. And for teens, suicide is now the 4th leading cause of death.
Thankfully, mental health care and education is increasingly more available as many school districts offer counseling services in schools. In some elementary schools, counselors are now included in the specials rotation and go into classrooms to teach kids about emotions. With a growing willingness to provide and partake in telehealth sessions, people in rural areas now have more access to help. So as a parent how can you help and support your adolescent if they are struggling with their mental health?
A WORD FROM TEENS
“Learn from your kid. Don’t jump to conclusions. Instead, take the time to understand how we are experiencing things.”
First, be aware of your own mental health and talk about it. How do you handle a bad day at work or feeling the stress of balancing a marriage, kids, work, and your own needs? Do you find yourself pouring yourself a glass of wine? How about sleeping in and avoiding responsibilities? In Spanish we have a saying that goes, “Kids pay attention to everything except mass.” Your kids are watching and listening to you so make sure that you are open and honest about your own struggles and be aware of what coping skills you are modeling for them. Make it normal in your home to talk about feelings and hard situations and be mindful of how you talk about the topic. Do you express hopelessness or hopefulness? Do you model resiliency or giving up?
Be mindful of imbalances in the home life. There are so many expectations of us as parents as well as of kids. Thanks to social media, both teens and parents are constantly comparing themselves to others which can lead to over correction. Either we keep our kids super busy and insist that they become pros at whatever sport they are (or aren’t) interested in or we become paralyzed in our own stress and don’t provide opportunities for growth and learning. Evaluate how time is spent in the family outside of work and school and work towards creating a balance between responsibilities and fun or relaxation. We don’t want to become zombies in front of screens and we also don’t want to become machines stuck on output.
A WORD FROM TEENS
“I wish they saw it from my perspective".”
When your child approaches you with a mental health concern, attempt to approach with empathy, validation, and beginner’s mind. Your knee jerk reaction might be to dismiss their problems and emotions. You might ask or think “what do you have to be stressed about?”, or “Why are you depressed? You have everything you need and want.” We compare our own stressors and problems to theirs and quickly decide that they are nothing. However, it’s important to consider that their lives are much different than ours looked at their age. They haven’t known a world without internet or social media. Again, the expectations that society has on them is different than when we were in high school. Also, even though they might not be worried about getting fired or going through a divorce, it doesn’t mean that a break up or getting cut from the basketball team doesn’t affect them. Their experience of loss, disappointment, rejection, and stress might look different but they still feel the same. Supporting them in learning how to manage these emotions and difficult situations at this age will support their life long journey in managing their mental and emotional health as well as teaching them that they can count on you later for support.
Reach out to mental health and medical professionals. Just like you wouldn’t be expected to pull out your kids’ wisdom teeth, you can’t be expected to meet all of their mental and emotional needs. There are some things that go beyond effective, nurturing, and loving parenting. Just like dentists go to school to know how to take out a tooth, therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists got to school to learn how to treat trauma, depression, anxiety and other disorders. It doesn’t have to be on you alone to help your child.
A WORD FROM TEENS
“My mom was very non judgemental and supportive of what I was struggling with.”
“ My parents were keen on seeking professional help.”
It's important to point out that if your child ever makes any passive comments such as “I don’t want to be here anymore”, it should be taken seriously. Only 50% of suicide attempts are planned and people don’t always leave notes. If you have suspicion of suicide ideation or that your child is engaging in self-harm, please contact a professional immediately.
Finally, make sure to take care of yourself. You can join in your child’s sessions to learn how to better support them (regularly done in DBT therapy for teens) and you can also seek help yourself. Parenting is hard and when your child is hurting it’s even harder. You don’t have to walk that journey on your own either.
