But I Don’t Want A Better Life

As a parent of two kids under the age of 10, I have found myself joining the multitude of adults that not only enjoy watching the show Bluey with their kids but even discuss episodes with other adults and can name both the season and name of the episode being referenced. The latest episode that received a lot of attention touched on tough decisions that parents have to make in relation to their families and careers.

In this episode, Bandit, Bluey’s dad, was offered a job in a different city that paid more than his current job. He makes the decision (after apparently being stressed by the decision in episodes leading up to the finale) to take the job and move the family. At one point, when Bluey is told that they are moving and Bandit explains that this new job will allow him to provide a better life for the family, Bluey simply states, “But I don’t want a better life.”

Bluey’s statement stuck with me as I realized how much it resonated with me.

 “But I don’t want a better life.”

 It seems to go against the American Dream doesn’t it? It seems to go against what some of us have heard our own parents say to us about wanting us to have it better than they did. It seems to go against the way we have been socialized in the United States.

But Bluey might be on to something…

Studies in the past decade consistently show that there are higher rates of depression in industrialized, developed countries than in underdeveloped countries with higher rates of poverty and violence. Mexican- Americans born in the United States are diagnosed with depression more than Mexican immigrants. In Uganda, modernization resulted in an increase in depression. And in indigenous circumpolar populations, as modernization increased, so did diabetes and suicide rates.

 Now I should point out the obvious. These underdeveloped countries have less access to mental health care, experience more stigma in relation to expressing mental health problems, and are probably less likely to report or be diagnosed with mental health problems.

Got it.

But what if there was more to this than just judgment and poor access to services? What if we could explore the differences between these populations to help own mental health?

Studies within the last decade have researched differences in different countries to figure out why those with more resources and safety report more mental health issues. Within the research, they have found  the following factors:

1)     Social Isolation

“What’s wrong with our city?”- Bluey

“Nothing.”- Chili, Bluey’s mom

The United States and other more developed countries tend to favor individualism over collectivism. We take pride in doing things ourselves, struggle with asking for help, and value the good of the individual over the good of the family or community. Words like boundaries, personal space, and  independence have done away with our village and support systems. In a world where technology offers connection, we have created social isolation.

Just like Bandit, we are willing to move away from our relationships for better jobs and opportunities. Worse yet, we learn to socialize as a way of networking and slowly stop investing time in friendships and relationships that we don’t believe will help us meet future goals. 

2)     Competition

Ask any young adult applying for college or interviewing for their first jobs. The environment is rough out there. There is an increase in competition to get into a school (and it better be a better school than your cousin or neighbor is going to!) and even more competition for jobs at any level. We are no longer allowed to simply exist but we have to be mindful of any and every activity and how it might enhance an application or our Linkedin profile. We can no longer be happy for others, we have to be better than others.

Where as in other countries, it is acceptable for families to have generations of farmers, teachers, welders, etc.  In the United States, each generation is expected to do better than the last. We must be constantly working for that next promotion even if we don’t want it. We should be upgrading homes, phones, cars even if we are perfectly happy with what we have.  Keeping up with the Joneses has never been truer.

3)     Extrinsic goals vs. Intrinsic Goals

At one point, intrinsic goals such as social relationships and community, out weighed extrinsic goals such as money, status and appearance. But that too has shifted. If there’s a better job opportunity we quickly jump to take it without analyzing the cost of uprooting? (Just like when plants get repotted too frequently, being uprooted to frequently can cause damage to humans as well.) We prioritize working extra hours to impress our boss or because we don’t want to leave money on the table over spending time with the family or even making time to get in some exercise for our own health. We make enough money to live in a nice neighborhood and pay someone to cut our grass, but we have no idea who our neighbors are.

We find ourselves being poor but with a lot of money in the bank. And then we judge ourselves for being depressed and lonely.

4)     Freedom

Finally, with more resources comes more freedom. Although freedom is a great thing to have, it also leads to excessive choices which is followed by paralytic indecision, stress, dissatisfaction and finally blame and regret. We believe that anything we want we should have or at least be able to work for. Nothing is off the table. There are no limitations. And we have no idea what to do with all of those options. When we finally make one, we constantly doubt that we made the right choice. We can’t be happy with what we have because there could be something better.

“We are poor with a lot of money in the bank.”

So what do you do with all of this information?

First, I would suggest doing some values work. You can do this with your therapist or look for some resources online. Often times, when people are struggling with depression or anxiety, it’s in part due to not engaging in what they value.

You can do a time audit and assess if you are spending you time in a way that fits those values or if it just seems totally off balanced. How many nights a week do you eat dinner with your family? How often do you call your friends and catch up? When was the last time you walked your dog or went to the gym?

A money audit is also helpful. Where is your money going? Is it going on buying things that make you happy for a moment and then that moment goes away or are you spending on experiences, helping others and your health?

Finally, remember that if you have been struggling with your mental and emotional health, you aren’t alone. You live in a country full of people struggling. The silver lining is that you also live in a country where mental health services are more accessible. So take that step and set up a few consultations to find someone that is the right fit for your mental health journey.